Being a Good Girl
I spent the first 40 years of my life identifying as a good girl. I am a clever, eldest daughter, who took the role of being impressive very seriously!
“Good girl training” is something that many of us unconsciously buy into. It’s as old as time and scattered everywhere. We are taught by our mothers, who were taught by their mothers. The rules of femininity and how to please others.
We are unconsciously taught specific societal expectations and celebrated behavioural traits that reward us for being polite, nurturing, submissive & ‘ladylike’. We are taught to prioritise others' needs over our own, to suppress our emotions, to avoid conflict and to generally compromise ourselves for the benefit or pleasure of others.
Even the term ‘lady’ grinds my gears. The definition is a woman of refinement and gentle manners! “A lady does not allow her mood to affect her manners” -no, no instead she suppresses all her thoughts, opinions and emotions in order for everyone around her to feel comfortable. This woman says FUCK THAT!
It's the weirdest thing when you wake up one day and realise that you have been part of a training program you were not aware you signed up for!
The problem with this training is that your self-worth becomes linked to ‘perfect behaviour’ and you begin to value yourself on how well you are able to please others. We spend our lives looking for opportunities to shine at the expense of our own well-being.
I have spent the past 15 years realising and undoing my ‘training’. Often getting labelled as negative and difficult when I question or refuse to play the game!
The first step is to notice. To notice the people and places where you are asked to tone yourself down or be less than your true raw self. Being 100% me is my goal!
The second step is to gently nudge up against these limitations or comments. To question ‘Why would you say that?’ or 'Why would you think that?’ or ‘Where is that coming from?’
The best way to do this is with curiosity and a smile on your face. Being amused is now my full time job! It's a lot less stressful than being offended. Mild outrage is exhausting!
Once you realise that most of us - both men and women - have been part of training programs we would never have consciously signed up for, it makes it easier to be calm and curious!
