Avoidance
Humans are funny things! We do so many things that are not ideal for our overall health, well being and quality of life.
I have noticed a lot of avoidance around me of late. People putting off or avoiding action. The biggest reason we avoid taking action is that we're waiting for everything to be just right. Elizabeth Gilbert nailed it when she wrote that "procrastination is perfectionism dressed in a fur coat with fancy shoes."
When you've got some perfection stuff going on, and you're convinced that nothing will be good enough, you never actually do anything. You get paralysed by inaction. You worry: "What if it's not perfect? Maybe I can't send it, maybe I can't post it, maybe I can't ring them, maybe I can't apply for the job yet. I'm waiting to be perfect, and then I'll apply for that job. I'm waiting to lose weight, and then I'll be happy."
We're always waiting on something to be perfect. I don't think there's time to be perfect - there's just time to be. We avoid action because we're terrified we won't be good enough. We imagine everyone watching, judging, noticing every mistake.
I recently worked with a woman who took three years to launch her business because she couldn't get her website to be just right. Three years! I told her, "No one cares." And they don't. No one cares as much as you do about whether your website is perfect. Once you get over that, it's phenomenal how quickly you can move.
Our overthinking often comes from under-feeling. When we're scared of our feelings, we retreat into our heads and think ourselves into circles. We analyse every possibility, every potential outcome, every way things could go wrong. The world feels ‘tight’ right now and people are uptight, the economy is tight and fear is running at an all time high.
My antidote for fear is action! I am a huge believer in the way out of your head is through your body. Physical action always helps. Movement creates movement. Movement creates energy, and energy creates momentum.
As a self titled ‘Humanologist’ - a term I use to describe an unqualified behavioural archaeologist like myself - I have always been obsessed with observing humans. I love watching what people do and more importantly why they do things.
Avoidance always comes with side order of fear. But there is so much gold on the other side of any avoidance hill!
I am not an avoider. I am a grab the bull by the horns, get in there and get shit done kind of human. Avoidance for me has always been a sign covered in fairy lights and tinsel that shows me a potential area for my growth or benefit.
What if what you want is on the other side of what you are avoiding? Avoidance often sits in the gap between where we are and where we want to be.
Sigmund Freud had theory of human motivation, known as the pain-pleasure principle.
He noticed that most people are either seeking immediate gratification and satisfaction while simultaneously steering clear of discomfort or distress.
We often avoid action because we know it's going to be uncomfortable. That phone call we need to make. That difficult conversation. That financial review we've been putting off.
But avoiding discomfort doesn't make it go away - it just builds up like pressure in a pot until something has to give. When I'm challenged, I like to meet the storm head-on. I find being brave works. Our natural fear tries to hold us back and keep us small, but standing up and being brave makes you stronger.
If you're feeling paralysed, try my ‘Bridge of Action’. Take a piece of paper and draw a circle at each end. In the left circle, write today's date and describe where you are with your current goal. In the right circle, write how things will be when you complete your goal. Then, between the circles, write down all the steps you need to take - no matter how small. Think of each step as a lily pad that will get you across the gap.
