Friendship
I actually think it's the most important investment in the world. Not the fluffy, online pretend stuff - I’m talking about the real deal.
Friends matter so much. I think we all need different types of people in our lives. I’m a multifaceted maximalist, so I’ve got creative friends, opinionated friends, business friends, alternative friends, clever friends and funny friends!
Evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar reckons we need five close friends, 15 friends, 50 acquaintances, and 150 known names. I’ll take quality over quantity any day. Being in a room full of people and feeling alone is a shitty feeling. That’s why finding and connecting with new people is so essential.
I play a game with myself in airports and busy streets where I look at everyone coming towards me and imagine asking, “Are you my friend?” Considering every person walking towards you as a possible friend is a wonderful way to view the world. I look at people as energy beings. If I find their energy attractive, I know instantly that they have the potential to be a friend.
Friends matter so much.
Loads of people I meet admit that they would like some new friends. They tell me that they don’t know where to start and how to find new people to start friendships with. My advice is: Think about the type of people you like. Where do they hang out? I’m way more likely to meet someone I connect with at a bookshop or personal development retreat than at a sports event! (Though I did meet one fabulous friend, Fiona, at a post-sporting event function – we bonded over the fact that neither of us wanted to be there!)
It takes a lot of effort to put yourself out there to approach a potential friend, to get to know them as an acquaintance, to start a casual friendship, and then to be invested enough to become close intimate friends.
I am a big believer in reciprocity - you get what you give. If you’re sitting there thinking you don’t have good friends, ask yourself – are you being a good friend? Are you showing up? Are you contributing? Are you making an effort?
If you’re doing a good job of living, you’ll be constantly changing, growing, moving and shifting. As we change, the people we want and need also change. That’s okay. Some people are for your past, some for your future. Work out who’s who.
Do you have loads of people in your life who are more like your past than your future? People you used to have things in common with but no longer do? It might be time for a friendship audit.
Write down what you love about them and what you have in common.
You deserve friends who light you up, not drain you dry.
Get out there and find your people. They’re waiting for you – you just need to look in the right places and be brave enough to ask, “Are you my friend?”
There are four things that I think all good friendships have:
Energetic Contribution
This is the big one. You need contributors in your life – people who add value, who are useful, kind, supportive, or just fun. You feel great when you’re with them. Then there are contaminators – people who weigh you down, muddy your waters, make you feel yucky. Easy way to spot them? Your bum goes tight when you’re around them. If your phone rings and you don’t answer because you don’t want to talk to them, they’re a contaminator. If you see someone in the supermarket and want to run the other way – contaminator.Authentic Connection
I look for three things in humans: they’ve got to be fun, authentic, and clever. I don’t want boring people. When I meet someone I like, I literally think, “I like you, you’re as fucking mad as me, and I need that.” I love passionate people, people who know themselves and who are happy to be themselves.Mutual Support
We need supportive friends – people who fan our flames, who are never far away with a “good for you” or “you’ve got this.” But it’s got to go both ways. If you’re continuously supporting others without any support yourself, you get depleted, exhausted, burnt out, and often resentful.Effort and Intention
Great friendships don’t just happen – you need to make an effort to get good people into your world. Look for them, nurture them, and honour them. I put a lot of time into people, understanding and celebrating them. If you value someone, think about how you can honour them. It takes some effort to get to know someone. To understand them. Thich Nhat Hanh says that ‘understanding is love's other name’. I think that taking the time to understand people, to notice them is the ultimate act of love.
