Curiosity

Most people grow up without their needs being met. We didn’t get what we wanted. Some of us didn’t get what we needed! Fast forward a few birthdays and the planet is full of humans with unmet needs. 

All of us want to be seen. To be safe. To matter. To belong somewhere without auditioning for it! These needs are invisible. On the outside, things look grand. Good job, nice house, holds it together in meetings. But underneath? Plenty of us are still waiting for someone to fill a cup that was left empty a long time ago.

The colleague who needs to be right in every meeting. That's a need for significance. The friend who can't say no and then quietly resents everyone. That's a need for love that learned it had to be earned.

The partner who checks your phone. Safety. The boss who micromanages every comma. Control, because somewhere along the line, not having it felt dangerous.

The person who keeps everyone at arm's length and calls it independence. Belonging but wearing armour. These are all people running on an old set of software.

We all have a need that drives more of our behaviour than we'd like to admit. The one that makes us overreact. Over-give. Over-explain. Over-work. The one that turns a small comment into a three-day spiral. I love the idea that our triggers are our responsibility. Your biggest overreactions point straight at your biggest unmet needs.

What we actually need isn't complicated. 

Power. To know we have a say in our own life.
Freedom. To choose. To move. To not feel trapped.
Love and belonging. To be wanted, not just tolerated.

It looks like a simple list but it can be a lifelong job.

Often to fill these needs, we look to other people. Our partners, bosses or kids. I know so many people who have reached middle age disappointed, disillusioned or super demanding. It's easy to feel ripped off when we have all been promised so much!

When someone's behaving badly, I love to wonder what it is that they need. Not to excuse the behaviour. But curiosity helps me to not take it personally. “Get curious before you get cross” is a great way to handle the issues of other people and an even better way to handle yourself.

What is really going on here? Why did you get so upset by that comment, that behaviour or issue?

Learning to give ourselves what we need is a big piece of work. It starts with discovering what you need and then the permission to give yourself the thing, the space or the support you need. I am a big fan of therapy. I think all humans could benefit from ‘getting a good listening to’ from someone trained to unpack problems. Getting curious about why we behave the way we do is the first step to understanding yourself. You can’t love something you don’t know. Getting to know yourself is the gift of a lifetime. Get curious!