ADHD

This week is Neurodiversity Celebration Week. I get asked a lot to share my experience of ADHD.

Every day, I meet women who are dealing with late diagnoses and desperately looking at themselves with new lenses.

Some feel like life finally makes sense. Some feel a lot of anger for being so misunderstood for so long.

I knew from a very early age that my brain didn’t seem to work like other people's. I was lucky enough to have the confidence to ask for what I needed and the agency to get my needs met. I was very good at getting my needs met. I would offer to hand things out in class or be the ‘office runner’ to give myself a legitimate opportunity to leave my seat and move around. I would furiously write down everything on the board as I could not rely on verbal instructions to stay in my head!

I have never been officially diagnosed - I never felt that I needed to. I was never interested in being medicated. I built my life around doing things that I did well and employing other people to help me fill my gaps.

A recently diagnosed friend asked me how I am so ok with my brain! I have always loved my brain. I was raised to make myself strong not wrong. Getting what I needed to function well has always been a priority. It's part of taking responsibility for myself. For meeting my own needs, rather than waiting on the world to supply them!

I love that my brain can go off on hyper fixated tangents for limited periods of time. I love how thoughts fly around like a ball in a pinball machine—never quite where they need to be but magic is constantly bouncing off every corner!

All four of my kids have interesting brains. I am fascinated by the different brands of ADHD—I have a super hyperactive, impulsive one (ADHD) and a couple of beautifully distracted inattentive ones (ADD). One of my kids was shocked when diagnosed and said “I didn’t know anything was wrong with me,” to which I replied, “There’s not!”

ADHD is not the problem. The world expecting you to operate in ways that don’t make sense to you is the problem!! Regardless of all or any diagnosis, we all need to get our needs met. We all need to find the best way we can get through life as comfortably and as powerfully as possible.

The first step is to know yourself. To notice when you feel agitated, what works for you and what doesn’t. Written lists and visual displays of information make my brain feel safer than verbal instructions and spreadsheets!

I have had a ‘day book’ for as long as I can remember. A journal where I scribble down random info and things to do or things I have done as I go about my chaotic day! Paper has always been my friend as I knew my brain was an unreliable friend. I created my Purpose Planner so I could track all of the stuff that kept falling out of my head!

The second step is to like yourself. To be your own best friend. Beating yourself up will never work. Life is tough and I reckon it makes sense to be the really good friend that you need, riding shotgun beside you each day. 

I was raised as an overachieving ‘good girl’. This meant I applied maximum effort to everything. Maximum effort as required for me to stay in my seat, pay attention to boring teachers, pretend to listen to verbal instructions and to be anywhere on time. My school reports always said, “Lisa could do better if she applied herself!” If only they knew how bloody hard I was applying!!! 

I think that it is our job to get our needs met. To learn to speak up for what we need. We need to be fierce in protecting ourselves and find people who make you strong not wrong. People with ADHD receive an overwhelming number of criticism and micro criticisms than neuro-normal people. I have heard crazy numbers like 20,000 more!

We are always in the wrong place at the wrong time doing the wrong thing! That’s why surrounding yourself with understanding people and self-kindness are so important.

Menopause blew up my ADHD for sure. Lower levels of oestrogen have a huge impact on your brain. Things I used to be able to manage and hold in my head now seem to have a secret escape hatch! I lost the ability to mask my “issues” and they got amplified!

If you have ADHD please be kind to yourself. 
Give yourself space to notice yourself. 
To learn about you. 
To learn about what you need to make life easier. 
Give yourself what you need.  

I use:

1. Timers - so many timers! My phone timer goes off to tell me to get up, to go to bed, to book a taxi, to get in my car. Like a constant friend reminding me where I need to be and what I need to be doing!

2. Paper - lists and journals everywhere. I have paper everywhere. Pads in my car, beside my bed, on my bench. My Purpose Planner has my master info for the year - important dates.

3. Body doubling - teaming up with another human to keep me on track always works. Co-working with a friend. FaceTiming someone while cleaning or tidying works every time!

4. Meeting with me - Regular meetings with myself help me to track what I am doing, what I need to do and what I shouldn’t be doing! Like an interview, I sit several times a week and check in with how I'm going, what things I need to ‘circle back to’ and what things do I need to offer myself forgiveness for! I have turned my “Monday Meeting with Myself” into a podcast!

5. Giving yourself dopamine hits - I use dopamine dressing; wearing things that I love, dopamine decor - surrounding myself with things (collections, textures & colours) that I love & dopamine dining; regularly eating foods that I adore. These things all give me healthy things to look forward to. They indulge my senses.

IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE WITH ADHD, PLEASE READ THIS 

Being my friend or partner can be difficult! 
It can be hard to be me sometimes.
Me being distracted is not personal. 
I am trying to keep my brain happy while being with you.
When I am excited I will talk over you & interrupt. I do not mean to be rude! 
I have difficulty restraining my enthusiasm! 

I am often late or muddle up meeting times. 
My mind doesn’t manage time well.  
I always have too much time or not enough!
I have two time zones - now & not now. 
I struggle to be interested in anything that is ‘not now’. 

I will shut down and withdraw when everything feels too much -  this is not personal, it's self-protection. I need space to regather myself.

I react quickly and forget things even quicker.
I constantly feel like I am “too much” or “not enough” all at once. 

My brain processes differently. 
I struggle with consistency and routine.

I have a deep sense of ‘knowing’. 
I often cannot explain the things that I know - it's like a sixth sense. 
I get frustrated when people don’t believe my knowings!
Excitement is my favourite currency.
Please don’t caution me to slow down or to be more realistic.
Speed is my friend and audacity came free with my life.

Like everything, ADHD has its ups and downs. The trick is to celebrate the ups and hack the downs. Yes it can be a superpower. But often it's a super stress.

Kindness is the solution. Be kind to yourself and others!