The Way We Sabotage Ourselves
How are you an accomplice in your own undoing?
Allow me to introduce you to a family I have spent a lot of time with. The Selfs. The Selfs have six children. Three sons, Doubt, Worth and Belief and three daughters, Aware, Care & Respect.
Self-Doubt was the eldest, always peering over shoulders with worried eyes, whispering warnings about every step forward. He meant well, he'd saved his younger brothers from potential dangers but his constant vigilance cast long shadows wherever they went.
Self-Worth, the middle child, was quieter and harder to pin down. Some days, he stood tall and radiant, filling rooms with warmth and possibility. Other days, he seemed to shrink into himself, becoming so small you'd forget he was there at all. He was the most sensitive of the three, deeply affected by the voices of strangers and the weight of his past actions.
Self-Belief, the youngest, burned bright with an inner fire that no storm could fully extinguish. When his older brothers grew heavy with worry or withdrew into darkness, he was the one who'd grab their hands and pull them towards the light. He had an unshakeable faith that tomorrow could be different, that they were capable of more than they knew.
The three were inseparable, bound by blood and circumstance to walk through life together. In their best moments, Self-Doubt offered wisdom, Self-Worth provided foundation, and Self-Belief supplied the courage to keep moving. In their worst, they'd bicker and undermine each other until progress ground to a halt. But they were learning, slowly, that they were strongest when they worked not against each other, but as one.
Eldest daughter, Aware, was the one who noticed everything. The shift in a friend's voice, the way light fell differently in autumn, the quiet needs that others overlooked. She had keen eyes that missed little and a mind that connected dots others couldn't see. Sometimes her gift felt like a burden, seeing too much, understanding too deeply, but she'd learnt that her clarity was what helped her sisters navigate the world.
Care, the heart of the trio, felt everything as if it were happening to her own soul. When others hurt, she hurt. When they celebrated, joy bubbled up from somewhere deep within her chest. She was the sister who remembered birthdays, who stayed up late listening, who couldn't walk past suffering without stopping. Her tenderness was both her greatest strength and her deepest vulnerability. She had to learn to care for herself with the same devotion she showered on everyone else.
Respect stood with quiet dignity, seeing the inherent worth in every person she encountered. She had a way of making others feel truly seen, never speaking over anyone or dismissing their truth. She honoured boundaries, her own and others', like sacred ground. While her sisters sometimes struggled with intensity, Respect brought a steady, grounding presence that reminded them all that love without honour was incomplete.
Together, the three sisters created something beautiful: Aware saw what was needed, Care felt moved to act, and Respect ensured they moved with grace. They'd learnt that when they worked in harmony, observing with wisdom, responding with love, and treating all beings with dignity. They could heal not just themselves, but everyone whose lives they touched.
We all have a family of Selfs living inside us.
Self-Doubt constantly asking us to check and recheck ourselves.
Self-Worth begging us to believe in our own abilities.
Self-Belief pushing us towards a brighter light or bigger slice of the action.
Self-Aware working hard to notice and to navigate the world.
Self-Care urges us to slow down, to take a moment, to offer ourselves kindness and,
Self-Respect encouraging us to create the boundaries we need.
I love self-reflection and four of the best questions I have ever come across were written by the author of REBOOT: Leadership and the Art of Growing Up, Jerry Colonna.
“How have I been complicit in creating the conditions I say I don’t want?”
“What am I not saying that needs to be said?”
“What am I saying that’s not being heard?”
“What’s being said that I’m not hearing?”
I recently answered each of these questions from my Self Family. I ended up with 24 statements that blew my mind. Responses from my internal doubt, worth, belief, awareness, care and respect for each of the four questions.
It was a big day in my journal!