People Placement

I have the most wonderful people in my world!

I was recently told that I am lucky. Luck has nothing to do with it! The reason that I have such amazing people in my world, is that I am constantly on the lookout for amazing people to add to my carefully curated collection. I put a lot of time into people, understanding and celebrating them.

Having the right people in your life is essential to being loved, understood, supported and extended. Evolutionary psychologist, Robin Dunbar suggests that we need 5 close friends, 15 friends, 50 acquaintances and 150 known names. Sometimes it is a quantity game and sometimes it is a quality issue! To quote another famous Robin - 

“I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." - Robin Williams

I couldn't agree more. Being in a room full of people and feeling alone is a shitty feeling. That is why the game of finding and connecting with new people is so essential. What is your people problem?

Not enough people?
Not the right people?

Not Enough People:

As a raving extrovert, it is very easy for me to say ‘go out, meet new people’! I know from my introverted friends that for some this is not so easy.  

In 1960, PD Eastman wrote a children’s book called “Are You My Mother?” It's the story of a baby bird who hatches while his mother is out looking for food and sets off to try and find her. Not knowing what he is looking for, he approaches many different animals and machines asking if they are his mother!

I like to play a game with myself in airports and busy streets looking at everyone coming towards me, asking myself “are you my friend”? Considering every person walking towards you as a possible friend is a wonderful way to view the world! Trust your gut. (It’s an interesting way to explore unconscious bias as well!) As a huge fan of people, people hunting is something I have always done.

If you're doing a good job of living then you will be constantly changing. You will be growing, moving, shifting your thinking, your life and your interests. Change is feared by many. Resist it at your peril! As we change, the people we want and need also change.

Who are your people right now?

When I ask people about their favourite people, I am always met with an automated response. People reply with who they ‘should say’. We often feel obligated to state that our partners and families are the people who are adding the most value in our lives at any one time. In my experience this is not always the case. I have had times when I have been working deep on a project with someone and I have felt more in touch and more in common with that person than anyone I am living with or related to!

I have had moments in deeply intimate conversations with people who I have only just met, or have come together over a shared passion or experience.

Think about the type of people that you like. Where do they hang out? 

I know that I'm way more likely to meet someone at a bookshop or personal development retreat than I am at a sports event - having said that I met one of my best friends, Fiona, at a post-sports function. We bonded over the fact that neither of us wanted to be there!

You get the picture. Think about who you want in your life, where these people are likely to be found and then go out and see if you can find them.

Not the right people?

Do you have loads of people but they're more like your past than your future? Are they people that you used to have things in common with but you either no longer have those things, or no longer care about those things?

Think about the facets of your life. I am a maximalist and multi-faceted. I am a creative, opinionated business woman who adores alternative views and modalities and believes deeply in the divinity of the Universe. 

I have creative friends - people who are always making, drawing, painting, cooking or stitching something. I have opinionated friends - people who stand for things, I do not have to share their beliefs but I love their commitments to causes and issues. I have business friends - people who love commercial conversations and are constantly creating and testing new products and ideas.

I have alternative friends - people who live off the grid who adore nature and use it to sustain their bodies and minds. I have universal friends - people who celebrate their god selves, who are obsessed with awareness and consciousness.

What are your friend categories? What vacancies do you have? 

As well as types of interests we also need types of energy. We need supportive friends, people who fan your flames. People who are never far away with a ‘good for you’, ‘you’re amazing’ or ‘you’ve got this’. You need helpful friends, people who turn up, who reach out, who lean in. I call these people “contributors”. Quite simply they add value.

The opposite of these people are ‘contaminators’ - these people weigh you down. This may not be their fault, they might be unwell or dealing with difficult stuff. They might be teenagers! Be aware of these people - as a good friend you will want to be there for them, but not at the expense of yourself. Supporting people is not easy. You need to give yourself space and grace and permission to step away every now and then.

Since I wrote The Lickable Third in 2017, I regularly audit the people in my world. Who is right for right now. Making a list of the types of people you need, who is contributing and who is contaminating, is an exercise worth doing regularly.

Sometimes people need to be removed or repositioned. Mentally shifting people off to the side can be very important for your wellbeing. Moving away from negative, dramatic or nasty people is self-protection. 

We all need people. We are wired to connect. Taking responsibility for the number, quality and type of people in our lives is important.