Feeling Horny?

I like to pride myself on being a reasonable human being. But not today. I spent most of today looking for someones head to rip off. I was ready. If anyone annoyed me or did not exceed my expectations, they were going to cop it.

I was actually a menace to society - it probably was not safe for me to be out. It was not safe for me to be at home either. I was suffering from an enormous overload of hormones. I was H.A.H - Hormonal as Hell.

As any woman knows - hormones can be responsible for many things. I have sworn at people, burst into tears for absolutely no reason and been an incredibly difficult bitch to be around.

As young women we are taught to hide this from the world. At a time when we really need public warning notices attached to our clothing, we ‘carry on’ and pretend that everything is fine. Fine! I’ll give you FINE! (one of my favourite things to say when I am H.A.H!)

Now that I am a wise woman of middle age I know what to do. I know that I am best away from people, I prefer, chocolate, carbohydrates and occasional shopping. I do not have waxing, dental work or doctors appointments booked on these days as my pain tolerance is terrible. And since I spend at least 48 hours looking like a puff fish I do not wear tight clothes.

I’ll take a loose top and 3 slices of bread thank you very much.

I was talking to my friend Sally and sharing how I was feeling. She said ‘oh I call that having your horns on’ - I love that. It summed up how I was feeling. It has changed my definition of feeling horny!

Now a smart woman uses this ‘horn time’ time to her advantage - as with all of natures cycles there is a reason. This is the time to tell people how you feel, to rant and rave and to get some shit off your liver (as my Grandma used to say!)

I feel like a blown up balloon, tight and ready to pop. And then some poor bastard does something wrong, maybe a child, usually a husband, occasionally a colleague. I fly all over the room like a let go balloon, up the walls onto the roof.

Greek philosopher, Semonides summed it up well : “One day she is all smiles and gladness but the next day she is dangerous to approach: She is in a wild frenzy… savage to all alike friend or foe”

I think the best approach, for the safety of those around us is to call it. I like to issue a warning. Best people know what they are dealing with. “Today is not the day to take me on” is usually enough of a clue. If the people in your life need things spelt out then do so. “ I am incredibly premenstrual - please do not give me any grief” is quite clear. Women have become experts in covering up how they are feeling. As a young girl we learn from those around us not to make a fuss and to ‘get on with it’. In the past where women were busy proving themselves in the name of equality, we did not want to show any weakness or complain about anything ‘female’. I say fuck that. We are female. For most of us that is not kept a secret. 

Next time you are a little ‘HAH’ (Hormonal as Hell) I suggest you give people fair notice and then anyone who gets in your way you should behead!

 

Lisa O'Neill